Category Archives: Wishlist

There Is No Try

I just spent ten minutes putting together a spreadsheet to prove (to myself? to you?) that I don’t have enough time.

Then I deleted it. Because guess what? I don’t have enough time. Neither do you. Neither does everyone I know who gets their workouts in, or makes healthy food a priority. None of us have enough time. We MAKE the time.

If I want this to happen, I have to MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

I know. Rocket science, right?

But here’s the thing. I’m on the precipice. I’m steps away from letting go, eating crap all the time, gaining back all the weight, and constantly feeling exhausted and awful. I’m barely treading water.

But then a comment from a lovely friend on the last post reminded me… I AM STILL TREADING WATER. Even if it’s barely. Even if I’m hardly holding on… I AM STILL HOLDING ON. And so, I’m not beaten. I’m still trying. Every day may be a restart lately, but at least I’m bothering to restart.

The job is very busy, and still new. I’m anxious to make a good impression. That being said, I’m allowed a lunch and so it’s my responsibility to myself to take it. Let me not set up the expectation so early on that every moment of my time is theirs for the taking. I will be focused, dedicated, and hard at work for every OTHER second of the day, but for one hour of the thirteen I spend away from home every day now, I will make my health (and sanity) a priority. It’s going to take some shuffle to figure out how to make that happen, but it WILL happen. I owe it to myself.

I thought about the family reunion we’ll likely be attending this summer, and how much I’d like to be healthy and comfortable in my own skin when we get there. And then something ever bigger happened. Evi asked to go to DisneyWorld for her 4th birthday.

Now, it’s not going to happen FOR her birthday, since we wouldn’t have any prayer of saving up the money for airfare and the park by then, but we all agree that she’s ready to go sooner rather than later. And I need to be up for it. I need to have the energy to GO!GO!GO! with her at her first Disney visit. I need to be able to walk with her, run with her, carry her all over that place. I need to have the strength and energy to keep up with every second she’s willing to spend in such an awesome place.

Princess TinkerBox

And so, I’m doing this. I’m taking control again. I’m ignoring the Pizza Hut binge I literally just finished. I’m going to do this right again. I owe it to me, to you, to HER. You can’t let down a princess. (Especially not one who’s recently developed an obsession with TinkerBox and, as such, will shortly take over the planet.


More hours, more $

Prompt: Day 24 – Saturday, Nov. 24 – “If I had more than 24 hours in a day…” (Or unlimited spoons or funds)

If I had more hours in the day… I’d want them to be during daylight. I’d finally have time to run without feeling rushed. I’d spend more time writing. I’d do twice as much strength training. I’d spend MUCH more time with Evi. I’d cook every meal from fresh, local ingredients. I’d shop at local markets every other day instead of shopping en masse at the wholesale club every weekend. I’d plant seasonal vegetables.I’d read a book for an hour every day.

If, on the other hand, I had the normal set of hours but unlimited funds? I’d hire someone to clean my house. I’d have a chef and a personal trainer. I’d work only part-time so that I could spend more time running and playing with my kid. I’d buy a house much closer to work and hire someone to manage this one as a rental. I’d buy a newer car so we weren’t always so worried about trying to fix this one.



Seasons Tree
For November, I’m setting some personal goals that may help me keep everything else under control.
1. I want to do 750 words every day.
2. I want to do affirmations every day. It’s just ten minutes and it needs doing.
3. I want to do the Grow Soul Beautiful #yogaaday for November.
4. Healthy posts every day!

Doing all of that seems like a lot to me, but the truth is that all of those things are the sorts of things that will help me to keep everything else in check. If I’m MAKING time for myself in those small ways (be honest, all of this put together will probably take about twenty minutes) it will put me in a better head space so that I can manage my training plan, my work load, my family responsibilities. Centering myself will go a long way toward making things easier, even though it seems counterproductive to add more to my to-do list.

I’ll be interested to see how it works. I’m torn between doubt that I’ll follow through with it, and excitement at the possibility that this could really work. I could turn this into a MUCH NEEDED interior sea change that will change the tone of everything else that I do. I spend too much time living small, worrying about the minor stuff. It’s time that I turn some attention inside, set a new routine for myself that includes focused time just… being. I don’t do that now. I’m always multi-tasking. I’m always doing twelve things and thinking about twelve more, which means that I’m never really giving my best to any one thing. Even with the kidlet, I’m now as focused on HER sometimes as I ought to be. I need to work on that, because she is the MOST important thing. And again, if I focus on ME for a while, it will mean being a better mother for her too. It’s not just ME that benefits from these self-focused habits.

Write more, move more, eat cleaner… all of these things are truly small, achievable things, but only if I’m centered, focused, and taking the time out of my day to give myself some ME time, both in movement and in mental focus. It will take pressure off of me, and once I’ve developed the habits, I believe it will actually make my schedule feel lighter instead of busier.


Burn The Boats

Here we go, y’all.

I had a big secret thing. I didn’t want to tell anyone for fear of failing (again). And then I read this. Go read it now, please.

The decision is to either bet on yourself — by telling every single person who will listen to you what you intend to do — or to bet against yourself, by keeping it a secret.

You know, just in case you fail. Smiley face.

“I’ll surprise everyone,” we say. “I’ll make all these huge changes in secret, and one day, when I run my marathon / finish my triathlon / celebrate my year as a vegetarian / quit my job, then everyone will see what I’m capable of.”

This, of course, is total bullshit. It’s fear, and all that stuff we tell ourselves is just rationalization.

So here I go. I’m taking the island. I’m burning the boats. I’m not leaving myself an out.

I’m joining up with a friend as her virtual training partner, and I’m training to run a marathon next November.

See that icon on my sidebar? The Wuder Ice Project? That’s it, and now if you click on it you’ll be able to see my training plan… which, for the record, I OPENLY WELCOME suggestions on. I basically did a few weeks of walking, a couch to 10k program, and then the higdon marathon training, with a bunch of doubled up weeks in there where I thought I might struggle.

I am insane, yes. I’m also sort of happy about it.



AerieSo… boobs. (If you don’t care about reading about my bras, you can scroll down and see my C25K update for today)

I know, I know. It’s just… well, I have a hard time finding appropriately fitting covers for mine, especially since my size has shifted just enough lately that my old bras don’t fit anymore and most new ones don’t either.

So I was really really just a little bit excited when I found ONE that worked for me, felt comfortable, and didn’t cost ten thousand dollars. I bought it on a whim, because it was on a really good clearance, and now I wear it ALL THE TIME and it’s wearing out from all the love. The weird part? It came from Aerie… you know, the underwear side of American Eagle? I really thought it would never work, since they seem mostly marketed to high schoolers… but I found a few other cute clearance things on their site (mostly business casual work shirts) and risked it. I spent very little, got a ton of stuff, and LOVE all of it.

They had a fitting event at the store down the street from my office today, so I went down and got measured since it was free. It turns out I was right on about the size I wear, but only there. I’m still in limbo between two sizes at most other stores. Sadly, they don’t carry my size in the store, but they did have several samples for me to try on so I could figure out what styles I liked.

I tried very hard not to be amused when the girl doing the measurements took them three times, double checked, and then looked up at me in horror surprise. I had to reassure her when she fished the sample out of the drawer, held it up, proclaimed it HUGE and then said she was sure it wouldn’t fit me. I tried it on. It was awesome, fit perfectly, and she was shocked. This is why I love bra fittings. Apparently I have ninja boobs that are always surprising people. Sneaky.

Anyway, I found two styles that I loved and that fit me super flatteringly, then went online and pinned pretty much every bra in those two styles plus a few from the style I already own. Woo. I live large, people.

C25K - Meegan & MeAnyway, on to running…

I did the second week 4 run today! It was definitely harder than Tuesday, but I still did it and I finished without wanting to die. The closer I get to week 5, the more confident I feel. Plus, I purposefully padded in an extra week in case I end up needing to repeat a week. I’m hoping I don’t though, since I’d love to have an extra week of practice (and maybe some outdoors running) before the FitBloggin 5K!

No matter what, I’m definitely seeing progress and feeling really good about it. Everyone at the gym probably thinks I’m a looney since I tend to laugh a little from sheer shock/pride when I finish each day’s run… but hey, a little nuts is good, right?


#31: Forsee

No surprises


Where do you hope to be on Jan 1, 2013? (WEverb11)

Since it’s a day off for nearly everyone, I hope to be home and cuddled with my awesome husband and kid. I hope to be in a more comfortable place professionally and financially, and I hope I’ll be able to look back and be proud of the progress I’ve made in terms of health and fitness.


#30: Meditate

Achievement & desire


Were you happy with who you were in 2011? Who do you want to be in 2012 and beyond? (WEverb11)

You know what’s lovely for me about this prompt? I can honestly answer it by saying that I loved who I was this year, and I continue to really like ME. I’m proud of how hard I worked at premed and proud of how honest I was when I needed to quit or die. I’m proud of the work I’ve done to reclaim my health, and SUPER proud of the way I’ve maintained that effort. It’s easily the longest I’ve sustained a real effort toward healthy living.

I’m so happy when I look at my perfect little family, and I’m proud to take some small measure of credit for that. I’m happy to believe that my marriage is thriving in part because I work at it, that my daughter is thrillingly smart in part because I stimulate her enough and love her even more. Sure, it’s not all me. It might not even be mostly me. But I played a part, and it’s a part I’m amazingly proud of.

So yes, resoundingly yes. I love who I am. I love my desire to learn, my stubborn streak, my ability to love without reserve. I love my loyalty, my creativity, my fire.

What do I want for 2012? I just want to keep going, keep working toward honest relationships with the people I love, including myself. I want to keep working toward healthy ways to think about food and exercise. I want to push myself a little harder, a little farther, just to see what I can do.


Speaking of my kid… can I brag for a minute? Three little things…

  • Last night she was watching Nemo as I was making dinner. Just as I put the food in the oven, she came barreling into the kitchen. “Mommy. Mommy. HOW do starfish swim?” Eyes wide as saucers, she was very concerned with the answer. I explained how they move in the water and why it’s different from fish (no fins, no gills) and she thought for a moment, letting it all sink in. “Okay,” she finally said, an air of satisfaction in the word as she turned and barreled right back in to the living room.
  • This morning, after finishing her morning juice, she headed out of the living room. Suddenly, just inside the doorway, she stopped and turned back. “Wait. I forgot my kiss!” She threw herself into my arms and gave me a sweet little kiss before continuing on her important toddler business for the morning.
  • This afternoon she asked for exactly FOUR almonds for a snack. While I adore that on it’s own (she always asks for less than five), it got better. She had two in each hand. “One, two,” she said to her left hand. “One, two,” she said to her right hand. “Mommy,” she looked up, an important discovery all over her face. “Mommy. Two plus two is four.” She smiled, then ate them all at once.

#18: Teach

star coffee


What lesson or advice were you able to pass on to others this year? Why was it important to share this information? (Or… what lesson would you like to pass on to others that read this?) (WEverb11)

Since I have a toddler who seems bound and determined to learn everything in the world, I feel like the teaching prompt is an easy, obvious one for me.

I’m teaching her about the world, and I’m loving it. I love when she tells me we should run from the parking lot to the grocery store to show other people how to exercise, because it means she’s learning to live a healthy life.

I love when she asks for healthy foods or stops eating when she’s done even though there’s only one bite of cookie left, because it means she’s learning to trust her body.

I love when she sits in the car telling me all about the planets or where hot lava comes from, because it means she’s absorbing all sorts of wonderful facts about the amazing world around us.

I love when she wraps her arms around me for an impromptu hug, tells me it will be alright when I feel frustrated or sad, or rocks her stuffed animals to sleep with a song, because it means she’s learning to love and be loved, to feel safe, and to offer comfort to those who need it.

Watching her grow is such a miracle. She’s so smart, so sweet. Watching her offer love and comfort, learn to understand others, show interest in the world around her… it’s amazing. I love that she shows fascination when we see people dressed differently, like the time she couldn’t stop staring at the woman in the burka (Mommy, she has a beautiful dress but a funny hat), but that she notices these things without judgement. I love that she couldn’t understand why Grandpa S and Grandpa B aren’t married, because it hasn’t yet occurred to her that marriage is reserved for a particular kind of union. I wish I could keep her there, in a state of loving curiosity that allows for every possibility. I wish the world wouldn’t ever creep in, that she’d never have to know that some people choose hate.


White ink

I Can Do Hard Things Necklace by therhouse on Etsy

I Can Do Hard Things Necklace by therhouse on Etsy (WANT THIS!)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about getting another tattoo. For a long time now I’ve been trying to figure out a way to get one that incorporates my first tattoo with some sweetpea-based design so that I have an Evi tattoo to match the Aodin tattoo on my left arm. There are three specific sweetpea images I’ve got in my head for inspiration (I wrote about them here) and that’s about as far as I’ve gotten. Since money is a HUGE issue for us right now, it seems silly to even think about designs. I know I’d want some color, probably some of that vibrant pink, but my real plan (once I have the cash) is to just take the three pictures to the artist who did my Aodin tattoo and just let him work his magic. I’d want Evi’s name in there, and beyond that I’m unconcerned with the design.

But lately, I’ve been thinking there will be one more tattoo added to the arsenal before all is said and done. I have been looking at white ink tattoos for a while now, since I like how subtle they are on pale skin. I think this one is a pretty good example of what they look like once they’re all healed. It’s tough to find pics of them when they’re not fresh and red and cranky looking. Anyway, if I got one, I’d want it to say “I can do hard things.”

It’s just a simple saying, and I’m sure it sounds silly or trite, but for me it’s kind of a big deal. It’s a reminder that I’ve been through big things. I’ve lost a child. I’ve given birth to another one. If I can do those things? I can do anything. ANYTHING.


Just Dance



I secretly (until right now) want to be a dancer. I’ve got a little bit of a ballet history, but what I really want to do is something hipper, sexier… hip hop or music video style dancing. That’s totally embarrassing, right? I’m a grown woman with no particular gift for dance (a fair natural rhythm, though) who secretly dreams of being a hip hop dancer.

I don’t know why. I think it’s sexy. I think it’s a great way to stay in tune with your body. I think it’s cool to be able to move to the music in a non-ridiculous, non-stereotypical white girl way.

So what do I plan to DO about it? Eh, probably nothing. One day, in a world where I’m not squeezing a million things into a few hours, when I have a little money to spend on something that isn’t a necessity, when I have time to breathe… maybe then I’ll be that embarrassing mom who takes a hip hop class. Until then, I’ll just imagine myself grooving along to the ridiculous pop music on my iPod.