Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte (I've had two today...)
Oh man you guys. THE PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE is back at Starbucks… and apparently the pumpkins are moustachioed. Cool.
I’m apologizing in advance for this post, which is simultaneously going to be a super long recap of everything in my head right now and also one of those irritating “why I haven’t been blogging” posts. So sorry, and if you make it to the end of the post, you totally get an imaginary cookie. Or maybe a real cookie…. if you don’t mind stale, sent in the US mail baked goods. So here we go…
Sarnac Pumpkin Ale: This tastes nothing, nothing like pumpkin, though it does have some nice spice to it. Overall, it was a little heavier than I generally like my beer, and I think I can blame the “ale” part… but it wasn’t bad. I probably wouldn’t try it again, but that has a lot to do with the fact that I now have like ten thousand other recommendations for pumpkin and/or fall beers to try.
Weight: So…. yeah… I’m fat again. I’ve gained back all but about fifteen pounds. It sucks. I’m cranky about it. I’ve not yet mustered the motivation/energy to do something significant about it. So… I don’t know. I’m still trying, sometimes. Some days I’m awesome. Most days I start out with big plans and end up with pastries. It doesn’t help that my back is still really hurting, and it’s keeping me from a lot of movement. Long term standing or walking really hurts my back, and any twisting does too. I’d love to swim, but we don’t have access to a pool unless we pay, which we’re FAR too broke to do. I don’t know. I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. I’m frustrated. I’m also, paradoxically, apathetic about the whole thing. We’ll see.
Chiropractor: Speaking of my back, I’m now seeing a chiropractor three times a week. He’s helping a lot, but the whole process means a lot of ups and downs, and sometimes my adjustment days are much worse than the days in between. Overall, I am definitely seeing some pain relief, but it’s a LONG process. I do love my chiropractor though, and going in to his office means fifteen minutes laying on a table with a hot pad on my back (among many, many other things… a fair few less pleasant ones) so I can’t complain too much, right?
IUD: I know a lot of you don’t care, but I figured I’d just toss in here that I LOVE my IUD. It’s so easy, so uncomplicated. I’ve had zero issues with any of the potential side effects, and being hormone free is making a HUGE difference in my mood/emotions/libido. So if you’re considering it? DO IT!
Fallergies: Y’all, it’s fall! I love fall! Except that this morning I woke up with the first sign of fall… horrifying allergies. My head is stuffy and full of pressure, my eyeballs hurt, and my throat hurts from the drip. I feel gross. It feels gross. I’m not sleeping well because I can’t breathe when I lay down. I’m off to get some Claritin today at my brother’s recommendation, since he has allergies too and thinks Claritin has the best effect. Otherwise though, I’m thrilled that we’re finally seeing some signs of fall. Even the rainy days don’t bother me. I can’t wait to be in scarves and sweaters… and then hopefully put off winter forever. Perpetual fall sounds like heaven to me.
Anxiety dreams: One of the biggest signs of serious stress for me is anxiety dreams. They tend to surface when I’m under a fair amount of stress and am, for whatever reason, not acknowledging it. They always follow a similar pattern too: the world is in some sort of apocalyptic crisis and it falls on me to save some very important person(s) from the crisis. Inevitably, I end up coming across some awesome tool/friend/resource that helps me get through the crisis in a way that means I do, in fact, save the person(s) in question, but the process is stressful and terrifying. I’ve had two this week that were so bad they woke me up.
Sunday night’s dream: I’m sitting in the large bay window of my San Francisco townhouse, where I live with Evi and my mother. I’m watching as mourners walk past carrying the coffin of a little boy who recently died, and I’m crying. As the funeral passes, I notice that there are hundreds of people suddenly walking down the road. As one, they all fall to the ground, have a violent seizure, then get up and start walking again. It weirds me out, and on instinct I go up to Evi’s room and carry my sleeping beauty down to our panic room. Oh yeah, we have a panic room. When I go back up and look out the window again, the street and sidewalks are FULL of people now, but they’re all children. (Why are children creepier?) I get super weirded out now, and lock the door. When the lock clicks, every creepy child stops, and every creepy head turns toward my house. I run to the back room to get my mom, and when we come back past the bay window on our way to the panic room, we see that the window is covered top-to-bottom in creepy kid faces, and the knob on the locked door is slowly turning. We run down to the panic room, where we lock the door. This turns out to be a serious panic room, actually a full-on underground fortress built by my (previously assumed to be insane and now deceased) in-dream father. There is food storage, an internal power source, and some system that makes the whole thing impenetrable and will protect us for 10+ years. There’s a fake “outside” with astroturf and a fake sun. So we end up safe, but god… the mental image of a bay window full of creepy, staring children’s faces…
Last night’s dream? Aliens. This one worked out a bit better, as I ended up saving Evi by teaming up with my neighbor and his daughter, who just happened to have a HUGE work van full of supplies like bottled water, canned food, and camping gear. And (bonus!) the neighbor also happened to be a skilled spelunker (oh yeah!) who managed to get us and all of our supplies into this crazy inaccessible cave where we hid to wait it out. My neighbor?
Joe Manganiello (True Blood's Alcide) |source: truebloods.blogg.se|
You’re SO, SO welcome.
You made it this far? Really? Well, at least you got Alcide’s abs out of it. So here’s the bigger thing, the biggest reason why I’ve been lax about blogging lately.
Premed: I think I’m done. I’ve spent the last two semesters watching Aaron’s stress levels get higher and higher until he’s now at the point where he’s bouncing off of his maximum stress levels all the time now. Most of it is financial, and being in school still is making it SO much worse because it means not making any money and frequently costing us quite a bit. So although nothing is certain right now, I don’t think I’ll be continuing down that path. Instead, I’ve been looking for full-time jobs in a few places and following up on some leads from friends. I’ll be back with details if anything comes through for me.
It wasn’t an easy decision, and I’m still not at all sure it’s the right one. In fact, I’m nearly positive it’s the source of all of these anxiety dreams. But here’s the thing. Two things sold me on the possibility of abandoning the med school path.
#1 – Aaron asked me this question, when I was trying to decide what to do: Can you trade Evi from 3-9 for giving her everything she wants from 9 on? Not only was the answer an immediate, impulsive NO, but it also made me cry to think about it that way. So that’s a big part of it, and…
#2 – It’s not my passion. Would I be a good doctor? Yes. Would I enjoy it and find it fulfilling and satisfying? Yes. Would it be worth the hours away from my family, both in premed/med school and as an MD? No. Just no.
SO what does this mean? It means looking for a well paying, professional full-time job in a dismal, hyper-competitive job market. Awesome. I do have some friends in a few key areas who are trying to pull some strings for me, but until then I am spending my days at Starbucks/libraries working on applications and a few side projects that are bringing in trickles of money. It means I’ll end up with a more traditional job, hopefully at an organization I can feel proud of. It also means more time to write, to learn the guitar/piano again, to sing, to be with my daughter. It means eating dinner with her and tucking her into bed instead of killing myself with a chemistry book.
It’s scary. It’s stressful. I’m terrified of disappointing the people I love (which includes many of you). It also feels like the right decision. I hope it is.
Phew… so… there you go!