Category Archives: Rejection


No limitsToday is about joy. It’s a fight for me to keep it today, but I WILL, even if I have to hold on a little too tight. And the Universe, literally in this case, seems aligned to help me out.

Do you know why I’m so fond of the time-space continuum, Heather?

Besides that I thought it up…

Besides you being in it…

Besides puppies and kittens…

It’s because it can all seem so logical… so predictable… so real, when you want it to. Or, in the twinkling of an eye, you can choose to remember it’s not.

Keep it up, love –
The Universe

Get your Notes from the Universe, or check out what Brave Girls Club had for me today:Frankly, this couldn’t be a better day for my coaching session with Mara, or to start up my Acceptance Whispering with Karen, or to work on my Unravelling Workbook. I’m poised for big changes, bright and shiny new things, and I’m ready to take them on. I’m ready to put my authentic self out into the world and see what it gives me in return.

It’s scary. If I’m authentically me and someone doesn’t like it, I can’t blame it on my body or my hair or my attitude. It’s ME, the real and true ME, that they don’t like. I CAN, however, recognize that it’s simpler than all of that. Not everyone will like me. It means nothing. Maybe it’s a personality clash. Maybe it’s unmanifested insecurities from one party or the other. In the end, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t take anything away from ME. In fact, it throws into sharp contrast the absolute beauty of the people who DO like me, who share their lives and smiles and struggles with me in the same authentic spirit I offer to them. It gives me the opportunity to be that much more grateful for the people who care for me, and for whom I so deeply care in return.

So no more of what I “should” be or what I think I need. This year is all about LOVE for myself, right? So really loving me the way I deserve? It’s going to mean brutal honesty. It’s going to mean taking risks, putting myself out there in bold new ways, and finally having the courage to ask for what I really want from the Universe.

So if you’re reading this? I’d really like you to check in. Just say hi. Know that I’m so pleased to share my journey with you, and I hope that you share yours too.



Med School - Toy Story


I still honestly believe that leaving the post-bacc program saved my sanity and my family. I was killing myself. But honestly? I still can’t think too much about it because walking away from it left me questioning some of how I see myself.

Be prepared, I’m about to indulge in some serious self-pity.

I’m smart. I got excellent grades my whole life, and did it without working very hard. It’s just the way my brain works. I got used to, and very much liked, being good at academics.

So when I consistently got mediocre grades in that program? I hated every second of it. I KILLED myself studying, slept WAY too little, drank WAY too much coffee in a desperate attempt to pull off the grades I was used to, the grades I still believe I would have needed to get into med school.

And? I just couldn’t. Yes, there were some extenuating circumstances like raising a toddler and, more importantly in terms of disruption, my five hour daily commute. I firmly believe that if I’d lived much closer to or on campus, like I believe the other students did, I would have had an easier time. It still would have been tremendously hard for me, but I think I could have pulled it off. And sometimes that really gets to me, that I’ve walked away from a potentially great path because of circumstances beyond my control. That being said, in the end I really don’t think it was the right path for me.

A good hard look at my priorities actually had me wondering why I’d ever chosen the program in the first place. At what point did I decide that making a lot of money would be worth spending years away from Evi, as she blossomed and grew? I think it might have been doomed from the start. I would have missed her too much.

Sometimes though, I wonder if I really could have done it. Sometimes I fear I was just not smart enough. I was literally giving it everything I had (and then some) and just wasn’t keeping up. For someone who has always defined myself in terms of my academic achievement, who has drawn much of my sense of worth from my perceived intelligence, how do I come to terms with academic failure?

I don’t know. I’m not even sure why I’m writing about this now, except that I’m hormonal and the (largely) useless job hunt I’ve been plowing through since September is starting to wear on my sense of worth.





So… it’s December. I’m having anxiety about it. I was up at midnight last night applying for jobs. I’ve lost track of how many I’ve applied for now, but I applied for about thirty between last night and this morning. Things are getting… bleak, financially speaking, so I’m scrambling to get something going. There was something in the works, but it’s fallen through, or at least appears to have done so, and now I’m feeling pretty panicked about it.

I’m still maintaining healthy habits, which I’m thrilled about, but that’s stressing me too because I worry that a full time job (given the great likelihood of a 4+ hour commute) will put an end to those healthy habits because I don’t know how I’d maintain them.

We’re making homemade gifts this year, but now I’m feeling guilty about the $30 I’ve spent on that, even though it’s for almost 20 gifts.

We’re going to have to take Evi out of school completely. She’ll go for the first two weeks of December and then that’s it. I hate it and I worry that it will be detrimental to her.

I just feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like a failure for not figuring out a way to save us financially, especially since it’s actually true that our financial dire straights are my “fault.” If I’d gotten my act together and buckled down into a career years ago, we wouldn’t be in this situation. Instead I’ve insisted on “following my dreams” and looking for a fulfilling career. I feel ridiculous, like it’s SO not a grown up thing to do, like I should have settled for my awful admin job and stuck with it since we’d be in a good place financially if I’d done that.

I don’t know. I’m just feeling really hopeless right now about the whole situation. Our bills are crushing us. Aaron is constantly stressed out. I feel guilty and awful. I’m applying for literally hundreds of jobs and getting ZERO return. It’s a really, really bad time of year to feel this way, which makes me feel even more guilty.

Ugh, ignore me. What a gloomy raincloud of a post.



Wasted time


After spending 45 minutes yesterday rehashing my various issues with an on-campus counselor, I was asked a serious of questions to determine that I was not clinically depressed or in danger of harming myself or someone else. Once it was determined that I was no danger to anyone, I was summarily dismissed as unhelpable.

I know that the university’s counseling services have limited resources, but it was more than a little frustrating to be told that because I’m a non-traditional student and don’t live on campus, they can’t offer me help. Instead they sent me off with a list of people to speak to that are covered by my insurance. Unfortunately, my insurance coverage is awful and none of the counselors on the list specialized in the sort of body image and anxiety management issues I’m looking for.

So, it’s up to me.



I got a second rejection letter this afternoon, this one from my #3 school.  Honestly, I’m feeling pretty hopeless about it.  The school I’m still waiting to hear from is pretty prestigious and difficult to get into, so I am nearly positive I won’t get into their program either.

So now I have to figure out what to do.  It’s another case of stellar, superstar students doing inhuman things in ways a mom who wants to continue seeing her husband and daughter just can’t.  I can’t join the Peace Corps or teach English in Korea for two years.  I can’t spend hours every day volunteering with battered women, because how do I pay for daycare?

The rejection is fresh, so I’m feeling defeated.  Here’s hoping time (and a less hormonal week) will help me get a clear head again so that I can figure out what  my next step should be.


The first letter…

General knowledge would suggest that receiving a letter from a school, especially a single page in a small envelope, just days after receiving confirmation that your application is complete is, well… bad news.  All the same, I was excited to see the familiar school letterhead when the mail came.

Since this letter was from my first choice school, I was a little extra nervous and opened it slowly, trying to read each line one at a time so I wouldn’t get to the big decision too soon.  Here’s what the letter said:

#1 Premed rejection letter

In case you can’t read it, they are “unable to admit” me.  And so the endless question… why not?  I hate admissions decision letters because they are nothing but a judgment, a disappointment, and they offer absolutely no hope of ever figuring out how to better your chances.  Contacting the school doesn’t help either, and the best anyone will tell you is that perhaps there was nothing at all wrong with your application, so you should just try again.

I’m trying not to let this get to me too much, though I am pretty bummed about it, because I do still have two other applications out there.  I’m also trying to avoid my usual gameplan of planning out every possibility from here on out.  Instead, I’m trying very hard to just sit back and wait for the other two application letters to come in, which should be soon.

I wish I knew how to increase my chances in case I end up reapplying to these programs…