Category Archives: C25K

Return of the Blog

I haven’t blogged since August of 2016. I’m still not sure where to start, what I’m trying to say here, or if I’ll get back to blogging regularly anytime soon.

But here I am. I’m here to…collect my thoughts. Lay out my intentions. Try to tease out the thread that leads me back to what matters most for me. The best way for me to start, I think, is with the highlights of where I’ve been.

Since August, I had a full hysterectomy. I spent some time recovering, as I needed to, but in there somewhere I lost my mojo. My hormones are still not 100% settled, so I consistently struggle with being too tired and too emotional in one way or another. I’m working on it.

In January, prompted I’m sure by the New Year’s Resolution idea, I started thinking hard about getting back to the things that make me feel balanced. I set some non-specific goals:

2017
Camp Gladiator for my body.
Yoga for my soul.
Healthy food for my energy levels.
Daily writing for my spirit.
Reading for my mind.
Weekly walks for my heart.
Snuggles for my joy.
Activism for my piece of mind.

Around the same time, thanks to the husband’s awesome gift of annual Disney passes, I wanted to write a blog about what I felt like Disney was giving me.

How Disney Gave Me Back Myself
Out of shape, out of touch, feeling sad. Not enough time with family.

Lots of Joy, tons of walking, lots of smiles and laughter. Remembered movement can be fun, what my body is capable of. Love being outside. It’s cool to be joyous, be a kid.

I never did get around to writing that blog. Every time I sat down to try to write it, I felt like I was faking. I wasn’t making progress. I wasn’t making healthier choices. I loved being at Disney, I love it every time we go. But despite all the joy it brings me, it isn’t carrying over to the rest of my life. So I never wrote the blog, because what could I say? Hey, I found a place that fills me with joy and it still didn’t give me a reason to get healthy?

So a few weeks went by. I did nothing. I barely went to my previously beloved bootcamp. And then…

I’m at my heaviest weight ever. Probably about 250, but I don’t know for sure and I don’t want to know. I do a really good job of pretending it doesn’t bother me, but it does. But that’s another story for another time. I’m actually writing about something more practical. Last night I was stretching and felt a sting on my lower belly, where my belly fat roll meets my torso underneath, right at the fold. Now it’s stinging and seems to be seeping a little blood. I think it’s just a skin tear, and doesn’t hurt a ton or smell bad or itch or anything…but this has never happened to me before. I’m crying in the work bathroom. This is making me feel like shit. In one day I’ve gone from feeling hopeful to feeling disgusting. Intellectually I know it’s the wrong way to feel, but here I am.

I felt so…embarrassed? Ashamed? I hate this feeling.

It’s brutal. My husband, who I only get to see on the weekends, is like “hey baby” and I’m all, “excuse me, my fat roll is bleeding.” I just…ugh.

In some ways, the worst part of this whole fucking thing is feeling like I can’t talk about it. I’ve made such a big damned deal out of accepting my body and being fine with whatever size, and now I feel trapped…like if I say something negative about my fat body, I’m somehow going back on those things (that I truly believe to be true). If I’m miserable with my fat roll, I can’t say that without sounding like I think fat is bad. I feel stuck and so dark right now, and I’m extra upset about it because I had this great, hopeful, motivated blog post planned. I was outlining it in my head yesterday, and then this happened last night and I’m so derailed. And of course, I’ve eaten SO much better today, but it’s out of shame.

That was the end of January, and I decided February would be different. Because it needed to be. And…it wasn’t. I barely exercised except for our awesome Disney weekends. I ate terribly, brutally, with intention to harm. I made myself sick from food for the first time in a very long time.

Now it’s March. I want to say that everything will be different, that this is the month I’ll turn things around. That I’ll find the time to do Couch to 5K with my kid and get back to 3x/wk bootcamps and start eating foods that make me happy and balanced and healthy. That I’ll get back to daily (or atleast weekly) yoga and meditation. But the truth? I just don’t know, and I’m scared to even try to commit to something.

So that’s where I’m at right now. There it is. I don’t know what to do with it, but I needed to get it out.

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Small and big

I’m sick again. Lately I am sick all the time. Plus, Evi has a raging ear infection that means I’m not sleeping. I’m sure it comes as a surprise to absolutely no one that I am eating my feelings. On top of that I can’t exercise until the doctor fixes this hernia. So…..

I’m in a pivotal spot. I’m choosing to be gentle with myself because I just need that right now. I keep screwing up on the gluten front, so I am taking the rest of the week (and maybe the rest of the month) off and restarting when I can handle it. Since gluten is an all or nothing thing, every slip up resets the clock and makes me feel like a failure. So I’m taking a break.

I am also plotting big BIG things on the fitness front as soon as I get a medical all clear. Big things, people.20121016-195903.jpg

So that’s where I’m at. Enjoy this hipster picture of my face.

 

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FitBloggin – the Recap

I’m about to unleash an emotional sh*tstorm, so I’ll start with all of the reasons why FitBloggin was INCREDIBLE this year. That way you can skip the emotional crazypants at the end if you want to.

I didn’t get in until late Thursday night, but was surprised to find I had three awesome roommates. Tara, Stephanie, and Karen were all awesome, fun, funny, and adorable. We went to sleep pretty quickly, trying to get ready for a busy Friday.

Friday started with an incredible yoga session, a perfect way to start the weekend for me. Of course, even before that, I started the morning with a giant, super-awesome, running toward one another, EPIC hug from Meegan. It was SO good to meet her and Tara finally. Yoga was perfect and was followed by a crazy delicious muesli courtesy of Weight Watchers.

Then began the most epic six minutes of my life. I did CrossFit for the first time with the awesome team from Reebok, and it KICKED MY BUTT. SO tough, but so much fun too! I partnered up with Amy, and we had an awesome sweaty time.

I went to some morning sessions, had an incredible lunch with Mandi and Lorraine, and then headed to the first Ugly Cry Session of the weekend. It was the Self Acceptance panel run by Karen, Mara, and Shauna. Dude. Listening to everyone’s stories, their fears, their triumphs… it was incredible. It was so powerful, and it opened up every fear and insecurity I’ve ever had. It was therapeutic. There’s an awesome, nearly word-for-word live blog recap here if you want to see what happened for yourself. I left feeling so much less alone, which was beautiful. What I didn’t talk about in the session was how Aodin affected my journey. Even the safest spaces aren’t always safe for talking about that kind of loss…

I did a live blog of the How Much Is Too Much session, which covered under- and over-sharing personal info while blogging, then headed out on a dinner adventure with Jen, Meegan, Tara, Kyra, and a few other awesome girls. We walked forever to discover our intended dinner destination was closed, but at least we got an extra walk out of it.

Friday ended with an INCREDIBLE presentation from Ignite Fitness. My favorite was definitely from Hank, though the presentation from Erin was a close second. I went to bed exhausted and happy after sharing a bottle of Canvas Pinot Grigio with Jen & Kyra and some awesome conversation with Christine, Christy, and Jack.

Saturday was supposed to begin with bootcamp, but I chose sleep instead. After breakfast, I partnered with Jen for a JumpSport Trampoline Fitness class and the best Zumba class ever.

Taught by Sue and Sam, I felt awesome, sexy, and powerful. I felt like I could actually dance a little, I had SO MUCH fun, and I was gross and stinky afterward. Perfect.

A few info sessions, an awesome lunch, and then the second Ugly Cry Session of the weekend happened. Meegan and Tara facilitated the When You Have A Lot To Lose session, which was another beautiful session full of stories, sad and inspiring and wonderful and regrettable. We talked about fears and past issues. Click up there for the live blog of the session.

After the session, I took a break to have dinner with Gail before heading back for the Unilever reception where I had more wine, hung out with Lorraine and Stephanie, and got to talk some with Emmie and Dre.

Sunday I walked the 5K with Meegan and collected the major swag before heading home. It was exhausting and perfect.

Okay, there’s the end of the recap. If that’s all you’re here for, stop now.

 

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Off Track

For the first time in a long time, I’ve taken steps away from my healthy habits for more than a day or two. Two weeks ago I stopped going to the gym in the mornings. I was worn out from earlier-than-usual allergy attacks, so I switched to lunchtime workouts. They weren’t as vigorous as my mornings, but I still felt good and was eating well.

Last week Evi started coughing, which meant I stopped sleeping. I still didn’t go to the gym, and my lunchtime workouts fell off too. On Thursday my eating took a turn for the worse as well.

Now it’s Sunday afternoon. I feel tired and sluggish. I feel worn out. I’m terrified of how hard it’s going to be to get out of bed early tomorrow morning, and even more so of how difficult it will be to resume my lapsed C25K training.

But… I WILL DO IT. I WILL DO IT. I’ve come too far not to. Like Jen was saying, I’m stronger and smarter than this. I won’t let it beat me this time, like I have so many other times before. I’m famously bad with follow through too, but not this time. This time I stand up, take control, and stop letting fear rule my life.

No more fear of social awkwardness at FitBloggin.

No more fear of my acrophobia ruining my next Warrior Dash.

No more fear that I can’t do this, because I know I can.

No more excuses, no more issues, no more crazy cleanses. Just do it.

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Tuesday

Supernatural - TuesdayHey, it’s Tuesday.

Exercise – I planned to run at the gym this morning, but it didn’t happen. I don’t know what’s with me lately, but I’m EXHAUSTED in the mornings. I’m determined to get back to a morning gym routine, but I don’t know when or how. I did bring my workout stuff to work though, so in light of the beautiful fall weather I’m going to attempt another outdoor run. I’m essentially restarting week 8 of C25K this week. I could have done it entirely on the treadmill, but I really want to push for some outdoor runs.

Food – I’m on day 2 of the Cleanse. I made it through yesterday with zero issues aside from a headache, which could just as easily have come from allergies, not enough water, caffeine withdrawal, stress from the dentist, or being tired. So I’m determined to get through this week.I’m bolstered by the fact that I haven’t had stomach cramps in about 24 hours.

Teeth – Speaking of the dentist, I ended up not having to get a root canal! Once they got in there they ended up just giving me a deep filling. I do have to watch for pain since it could still need a root canal long term, but at least for the moment I can assume I’m back to getting regular six month cleanings and that’s it. Thank God for finally finding a dentist I like and trust who makes me feel safe. Now I’ll be good about going back for preventative care.

 

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Confluence

I woke up this morning feeling extra tired and a little nauseous. It could be allergies, it could be nerves, it could be… who knows.

I have to get a root canal in less than an hour. I have a crippling fear of the dentist and I feel panicky.

I restarted the cleanse today. I had a smoothie for breakfast (banana, PB2, chia seeds, coconut milk, spinach) and packed another one for later this afternoon. I’m thinking it will be a good day to retry the cleanse since I won’t be able to eat much with the root canal anyway.

For the first time in a VERY long time, I bailed on the gym today. I didn’t skip out because I was tired or anything like that. I wore my gym clothes when I left the house. I drove to the gym. I scanned my card, packed my bag into the locker, and put in my headphones. I got on the treadmill, did my warm up, and started my run. I ran for less than a minute, dropped the speed to a quick walk, managed another two minutes, and then I just gave up. I turned off the machine, went back to the locker room, got dressed, and walked out. I have no idea what happened. I’m vaguely considering going back after my appointment since I’ll likely have several hours to kill before the husband and kid are ready to head home, but right now I doubt that will happen.

I’m just in a funk. A funk of funky funkitude.

**And perhaps, insight? As I scrolled through the tags for my post, I saw the FitBloggin tag and it made me feel… weird. I realized, suddenly and with no small amount of surprise, that I’m actually quite nervous about going. I’m scared I won’t be able to run the whole 5K like I wanted to. I’m scared I’ll lose my nerve and not get to meet the people I really want to meet. I’m scared I won’t get pictures with my favorite people. I’m scared I’ll be lonely, annoy my roommates, or just plain won’t be able to get there in the first place.

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On To Victory

Alternate Title: Things That Rock

1. I went outside for another run today. Did it go any better? Nope. Which, in it’s way, is EXACTLY Favorite Things: Fallwhere the victory lies. I went back out, and I’ll do it again. At least once a week now I want my runs to be outside, and I just have to know better than to hold them to indoor, treadmill standards.

2. Yesterday I wore a skirt to work. I wore it all day long. I wore it WITHOUT SHORTS UNDERNEATH. For me, that’s a big, huge deal.

3. Fall is coming. There is nothing I love more. Fall makes me happy. Fall makes running fun. Fall is full of pumpkins and sweaters and warm, comforting drinks. Fall is my season. Fall is ME, expressed in falling leaves and crisp, clean-air mornings.

4. Despite a fair amount of stress and a massive, nearly crippling fear of Monday’s root canal, I’ve managed to NOT eat my face off this week, and I have no particular urge to do it this weekend either. I may, however, indulge in a Spiced Harvest Ale…

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Get it done.

Go run.Apparently I had to sit for several days and examine my feelings of failure.

I’ve also taken an unofficial gym vacation this week. I still got my exercise in, but it mostly revolved around easier cardio and a lot less strength training. I’m definitely not going to keep things this way though. I miss my weights.

That being said, I’m not ready to let this running thing get away from me. So… I’m headed back outside for another run this afternoon. Instead of 91 degrees and 76% humidity, I’m looking at a 2pm run at 84 degrees and 58% humidity. Hopefully that’s enough of a difference to at least help. I’m also not going to plot a course. I’m just going to walk down to my spot of choice, run wherever I end up going for the time allotted, then walk back. It should make things a little easier, since I’ll be running where things look cool and not having to look at/for street signs and such. It’s not a place where I can get lost, so I think it should work.

I’ll also be downloading some different running tracks. I won’t have them in time for today, but I’ll be using my jogfm playlist to start up a new running mix based on my current speed. I’m excited, since it’s the first one I’ve seen where you can put in your speed instead of bpm, which I didn’t know. I’m hoping it can help with outdoor pacing…

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Progress Nullified


she’s come undone by *johnberd on deviantART

First, I think I owe the cleanse an apology. Even after eating a ton of carbs last night, I woke up this morning feeling pretty awful. I think it’s allergies, but it’s hitting me HARD. I felt worn out, headachey, and a little nauseous all morning. Given that knowledge, there’s a fair to middling chance I’ll give the cleanse another try in a few days.

I slept in this morning, but I was determined to get a run in today, so I headed out this afternoon for my first outdoor run in a LONG time. Physically, I felt a TON better… for about an hour, before returning to my pre-run grossness.

Mentally, though? Y’all…

I feel like a TOTAL failure today. I went out for a 28 minute run, per the C25K schedule. I spent a while finding a flat route and walked the five minute warmup. I started running and felt pretty good, but almost immediately notice my breathing getting much too hard. I tried to slow down as much as I could and focus on my breathing, but it just got harder and harder. Granted, it was 91 degrees and 76% humidity… so I imagine that had a lot to do with it.

In the end, I ran 26 of the 28 scheduled minutes, but not more than 6 minutes at a time. I feel like a complete failure. I feel like the 25 minutes I’ve run over and over again on the treadmill mean nothing now.

Honestly, I’m panicking a little bit. I feel like I’ve totally overestimated my abilities and my achievements, like I don’t deserve any of the pride I’ve only just claimed.

I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m cranky.

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Why Not

Ballerina DalekI clearly have Doctor Who on the brain after watching this season’s opener. Love that show.

So… about that cleanse.

I spent the evening bouncing back and forth between believing it was the right decision to stop the cleanse and feeling like a  failure for choosing to give up.

In the end, I think I made the right decision for two specific reasons. #1 – I didn’t just feel off or funky or weird, I felt downright ill. I felt flu-like and weak, and I can’t get my head around how that could be a good/healthy thing, when it seems like everything in my body was telling me there was a problem. #2 – (and this was the big reason) it occurred to me suddenly that there was NO WAY I’d be able to get through tomorrow morning’s run on this kind of fuel. No way. Tomorrow morning begins week 8 of C25K, and there is not a chance that I’m going to risk not completing that run.

So I’m done with the cleanse for sure, but in even the short amount of time I did it I came away with a few lessons.

  • There are a TON of ways I can and should be incorporating vegetables into my diet at every meal
  • Sweets and I are still an issue, and one that I would like to break
  • I don’t like the way I feel when I am constantly, second-by-second thinking about food. I’m much happier when I can relax with food.

I will be adding a lot more produce into my diet, and just sticking with my overall plan to clean up my food with simpler ingredients and less processing. In the end, even a one week switch to less processed, more simply made, shorter ingredient list foods is what finally knocked me out of a plateau that’s been going strong for months.

Have you ever done a cleanse? Did it work for you?

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