Dumb

January 27, 2012
Posted by YSP

source: tumblr.com

I still honestly believe that leaving the post-bacc program saved my sanity and my family. I was killing myself. But honestly? I still can’t think too much about it because walking away from it left me questioning some of how I see myself.

Be prepared, I’m about to indulge in some serious self-pity.

I’m smart. I got excellent grades my whole life, and did it without working very hard. It’s just the way my brain works. I got used to, and very much liked, being good at academics.

So when I consistently got mediocre grades in that program? I hated every second of it. I KILLED myself studying, slept WAY too little, drank WAY too much coffee in a desperate attempt to pull off the grades I was used to, the grades I still believe I would have needed to get into med school.

And? I just couldn’t. Yes, there were some extenuating circumstances like raising a toddler and, more importantly in terms of disruption, my five hour daily commute. I firmly believe that if I’d lived much closer to or on campus, like I believe the other students did, I would have had an easier time. It still would have been tremendously hard for me, but I think I could have pulled it off. And sometimes that really gets to me, that I’ve walked away from a potentially great path because of circumstances beyond my control. That being said, in the end I really don’t think it was the right path for me.

A good hard look at my priorities actually had me wondering why I’d ever chosen the program in the first place. At what point did I decide that making a lot of money would be worth spending years away from Evi, as she blossomed and grew? I think it might have been doomed from the start. I would have missed her too much.

Sometimes though, I wonder if I really could have done it. Sometimes I fear I was just not smart enough. I was literally giving it everything I had (and then some) and just wasn’t keeping up. For someone who has always defined myself in terms of my academic achievement, who has drawn much of my sense of worth from my perceived intelligence, how do I come to terms with academic failure?

I don’t know. I’m not even sure why I’m writing about this now, except that I’m hormonal and the (largely) useless job hunt I’ve been plowing through since September is starting to wear on my sense of worth.

#1: Choose one word

December 1, 2011
Posted by YSP

Choose one word. Encapsulate the year 2011 in one word. Explain why. Imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2012 for you? (WEverb11)

Honestly, my first thought was FAILURE. I failed to get a job. I failed to stick it out at Georgetown. I failed to keep up my healthy habits in the beginning of the year, which led to the weight I’m fighting back off now. Instead, though, I want to choose something positive that reflects all of the good things this year has brought me.

source: http://stereoheart07.tumblr.com

I choose ADVENTURE because this year has been nothing if not an adventure. I took risks, I took chances, I made big decisions, I made hard choices. I struggled and fought and learned and tried, and I’m a better me for it all.

I did the best I could with the information and resources I had at every step of the way.

I made wonderful, irreplaceable friends.

I saw Team Starkid in concert.

I learned a lot of weird and wonderful things about myself.

I reclaimed my hold on my health, and I’m fighting back to where I should be, going strong for almost 12 weeks now. I gave running another shot and I’m learning to like it. Food is no longer a source of guilt, most of the time.

I got a healthy start on my third novel, and I’m recommitting to shopping the first two when I can.

December

December 1, 2011
Posted by YSP

source: http://foodiefoodeliciousiefood.tumblr.com/

So… it’s December. I’m having anxiety about it. I was up at midnight last night applying for jobs. I’ve lost track of how many I’ve applied for now, but I applied for about thirty between last night and this morning. Things are getting… bleak, financially speaking, so I’m scrambling to get something going. There was something in the works, but it’s fallen through, or at least appears to have done so, and now I’m feeling pretty panicked about it.

I’m still maintaining healthy habits, which I’m thrilled about, but that’s stressing me too because I worry that a full time job (given the great likelihood of a 4+ hour commute) will put an end to those healthy habits because I don’t know how I’d maintain them.

We’re making homemade gifts this year, but now I’m feeling guilty about the $30 I’ve spent on that, even though it’s for almost 20 gifts.

We’re going to have to take Evi out of school completely. She’ll go for the first two weeks of December and then that’s it. I hate it and I worry that it will be detrimental to her.

I just feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like a failure for not figuring out a way to save us financially, especially since it’s actually true that our financial dire straights are my “fault.” If I’d gotten my act together and buckled down into a career years ago, we wouldn’t be in this situation. Instead I’ve insisted on “following my dreams” and looking for a fulfilling career. I feel ridiculous, like it’s SO not a grown up thing to do, like I should have settled for my awful admin job and stuck with it since we’d be in a good place financially if I’d done that.

I don’t know. I’m just feeling really hopeless right now about the whole situation. Our bills are crushing us. Aaron is constantly stressed out. I feel guilty and awful. I’m applying for literally hundreds of jobs and getting ZERO return. It’s a really, really bad time of year to feel this way, which makes me feel even more guilty.

Ugh, ignore me. What a gloomy raincloud of a post.

Stupid scale…

November 27, 2011
Posted by YSP

I lost no weight this week despite logging record numbers in terms of miles run/walked and calories burned and keeping a good handle on my food intake as well. At first it got me pretty down. I felt defeated. Then I thought a little more about it and realized I don’t care. I really don’t. I’m looking better, feeling amazing, and I am so proud of how well I’m maintaining healthy habits. It’s starting to feel less and less like something I try to do and more and more like the way I live, easy as that. I even got up from the Thanksgiving table and did 20min of strength training. That would never have happened before, not even last year when I was trying to make better choices. So I deserve major credit for the great choices I’ve been making, and who cares about the scale.

Pumpkin Pie Brownies from How Sweet Eats

Speaking of Thanksgiving, ours was wonderful. We waited for Saturday so we could go up to my brother’s house. Aaron’s dad and stepmom came too. We had good, simple, comforting food. It was easy and quick to make. We spent hours just sitting around and talking, playing with Evi, watching a little football. It was a nearly perfect holiday. The only way it could have been better is if we could have been with the whole family. I miss my parents & sister on holidays especially.

So now we’re prepping for a busy holiday season. Next Friday I’m volunteering at a race expo (I want to check out the race for next year), then we’re going to visit Aaron’s grandma on Saturday. On the 10th, I’ll be running the Jingle Bell 5K just down the road from our house. (Please donate?) Sometime soon after that I’ll be going to see the Twilight movie with Aaron’s cousin (my teenager movie buddy) and we’ll be going to a Christmas display with Aaron’s mom and stepdad. I’ll be in New York VERY briefly for a work event, we’ll head to a neighborhood kids Christmas party, and then we’ll leave for Florida on the 20th and be gone until the 26th. I both love and hate the busyness of the holiday season.

Pressure

November 14, 2011
Posted by YSP

Now that I’m home all day, every day, I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to get everything done. On a given day I am trying to fit in exercise, laundry, dishes, various other housecleaning, work, writing, toddler education/play, potty training, dog walking, catching up with friends, and essentially everything else that needs doing. What’s happening instead is that I’m getting nothing done.

The sink is overflowing. My laundry basket is overflowing. Evi has taken a step backward in potty training (which could also be a legitimate and normal part of the process and not, in fact, my fault). The professional hair dye my awesome sister sent me is still sitting in it’s box in the bathroom, which I haven’t swept in a week. I’m perpetually behind with work and writing. I’m still making time for exercise, at least, but the motivation is flagging more than it ought to considering where I am in the process.

It’s a weird place to be. I feel… beige.

Hello, November

November 1, 2011
Posted by YSP

Hello, November! (source: abigailann.tumblr.com)

I cannot believe it’s already November! I’m excited because it means the holidays are coming, which means more time with family. I don’t get to see my parents nearly enough, so I can’t help getting excited when I think about how close we are to a week in Florida with them. I also love the fall colors, the changing leaves, even the cooling weather. It’s a busy month for me too. Here’s what I’m hoping to manage:

NaBloPoMo – I’ve been slacking a lot on the blog lately, which I have no real excuse for, so I’m going to try to get here every day and post something… a workout update, a thought, a picture… just something so that I keep coming by and checking in. I have plenty of thoughts, so there’s no reason why I can’t post them. Besides, I miss the conversation I get to have with everyone who reads and comments when I am blogging regularly. I have a few other friends who are trying to keep up with this too, so hopefully we can keep each other accountable for the month and I can manage one daily post. I imagine a lot of it will be health related since my biggest focus right now is getting back to healthy habits. I may also start posting some archives, since I know I have some good posts back there somewhere that I can share again.

Pile on the Miles – I signed up for a challenge on Run Eat Repeat to try and keep myself in a good place with exercise as the holidays approach. The challenge does involve some cool prizes, but for the most part all it really takes is a commitment to run/walk/jog five miles per week. It’s no pressure, since if you don’t make the five miles on a certain week you’ll still be able to try again the next week. I like it because I’m averaging just under ten miles a week right now, which means that in theory it should be easy for me to do the five miles per week. Having a challenge and the chance for some cool prizes should keep me motivated to keep going as Thanksgiving approaches.

NaNoWriMo – That’s right, y’all. I’m writing another novel. I’ve got a few thoughts on what the topic will be this time, though of course it will likely be another supernaturally themed novel since that’s just what’s in my head most of the time. I’ll start writing today, of course, and aim for the 1,667 words per day that will get me to the 50,000 word total by the end of the month. I’m thankful that I’m in a place where I have the time/freedom to write. I’m just hoping I’ll be able to focus enough to do it since Evi will be home with me most of the week now. So that’s my November. I’ll be checking in every day to let you know how it’s all going, and I’ll add a widget for NaNoWriMo once they’re available so that you can keep track of my word count if you care.

In less busy news, I finally got around to making cake poppers over the weekend. Honestly? I thought they were a HUGE pain and I’m still not sure they’re worth the effort. The cake part was, of course, fine, but mixing with the icing was a pain. Making the balls was a mess. Coating them was awful. I ran out of white chocolate halfway through and had to use chocolate chips for the rest. They’re chunky and messy and awful looking, and the chocolate chips don’t melt as well at all, so the coating is WAY too thick and uneven. Boo. I went with strawberry cake with cream cheese icing, and then did about a third white chocolate coating and the rest rolled in melted chocolate chips. They’re fun to eat, and they do taste really good, but they were kind of a pain in the butt. I would have been willing to do the work if they’d come out prettier, but they’re sort of hideous. So… maybe not my thing. I might try them again with candy coating since I think that’s what most people use.

What are YOU doing this month?

Long weekend

September 2, 2011
Posted by YSP

Hey there.

Venti Skinny Caramel Macchiato (Starbucks)

I did this yesterday. In fact, I’ve been spending a lot of time at Starbucks lately. When we didn’t have power, it was the only way I could get online, which means it was the only way I could keep searching for internships, applying for jobs, ~~trolling Tumblr~~, and getting some work done.

The power’s back on at home now, but I am SO much more productive when I spend the day out of the house. Of course, I’m also a lot more prone to spending money and eating crap when I’m out… so there’s a good/bad balance there I suppose. I just hate packing food when I spend the day at Sbux or the library. I’d SO much rather buy food while I’m out, but the cost is ridiculous when you compare it to the cost of bringing food from home, and I ALWAYS make bad choices in terms of nutrition when I’m out. I don’t even want to talk about what I’ve been eating lately. I’m still trying.

Honestly, I’m just feeling out of sorts right now. There’s a lot going on, most of which I’m not ready to talk about on the blog (no one is ill or pregnant), so I’m just trying to sort through a lot of big decisions and transitions and issues. On top of all of that, we’re dealing with the ridiculous flooding from our broken freezer ice pump. We shopvac’d 6 gallons out of the carpet on Wednesday night, and another two last night, and the living room smells like dead things. We’re going to have to spend the weekend ripping up the carpet, drying out the subfloor, installing cheap hardwood… and we’re using the work as an excuse to finally get some painting done too. If my brother and/or Aaron’s dad comes down as planned, we’re also going to try and finally paint the bathroom, kitchen, and/or guest rooms.

Red Vines

This also happened yesterday, and it breaks my Starkid heart to tell you… Red Vines are sort of gross. Although… they get significantly better with each consecutive vine, so I guess they’re really good if you eat the whole bag? I did not, in fact, eat the whole bag. Just half. Ahem.

In better news, the chiropractor is really making a difference with my back pain. I am SO glad I made the decision to go. I don’t know what I’d be doing without his help. I’m going three times a week right now, which is a HUGE time commitment, but it’s so worth it. I’m going to run out of visits soon since my insurance covers only a certain number, but I’m hoping it will be enough.

Okay, can we talk about the Toddlerette for a minute? She’s sort of freaking me out with the smart. I love her daycare right now, but I really, really think she needs something more. We’re looking into a Montessori school nearby… anyone have experience with that?

Here’s what prompted the freak out. Today, she drew this:

THE drawing...

For those of you not versed in kids’ tv, that’s Olivia:

source: usatoday.com

So yeah. She picked out the colors herself while watching Olivia on tv. Peach for her skin. Black for the eyes, nose, and mouth. Red for her dress, shoes, and ear bows.

That’s cool right? She’s 2. She turned 2 in May. So that’s pretty good drawing, right?

But that’s not all. Do you see the top? The letters. She wrote those entirely without my help. I did NOT touch her while she wrote them. I did NOT draw them for her. I showed her the letters on a separate piece of paper, and she copied them out patiently and with tons of concentration.

Here is the word I wrote:

And she copied it:

Evi wrote Papa

I mean, that’s not normal right?

WHAT DO I DO? How do I raise a kid who’s already smarter than me?

Quaking

August 23, 2011
Posted by YSP

source: famousdc.com

QUAKE: So… we had an earthquake here this afternoon. It was weird and a little scary. I actually didn’t know what was going on at first. I thought I was getting super dizzy until I saw the lights on the ceiling swinging. It felt like someone was holding on to the back of my chair and shaking it as hard as they could. It was not a good feeling, but there was no real damage. Apparently I was supposed to go outside, but by the time I knew what was happening it was already over. It took a while longer for my adrenaline to chill out though. The phone lines went down right away, but text was still working so it wasn’t long before I confirmed that everyone was safe and Evi slept right through it at daycare. Whew! Not fun.

HEALTH: I didn’t take my second muscle relaxer yesterday. I was feeling more and more tired and dizzy and it was getting to the point where I felt like I was near blacking out every time I stood up. On top of that, I was still having considerable pain. I didn’t feel totally normal until this morning, but by 6pm or so last night I finally started feeling like I could move again. Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with a chiropractor first thing. I’m looking forward to some real relief instead of someone throwing ever increasing amounts of medication at me. I have a lot of faith in modern medicine, but I am not happy with my doctor. I may be switching.

SCHOOL: I am so bored. I have nothing to do with myself right now. Even if I weren’t taking the fall semester off, I’d have this week off… but something about not knowing what happens next is really messing with me. I’ve applied for a zillion internships and I’m not getting any responses… so I’m feeling a little lost. I have some writing I can do to bring in a little bit of money… but that can’t be all I do until January! I’m considering getting my EMT license soon, and I’ll keep applying for internships at least through the end of this month. In more awesome news, I got an A in Physics!

WRITING: Since I do have so much free time right now, I’ve been thinking about trying to start another novel or work on something unfinished in my writing folder. I miss writing, so I feel like now might be a very good time to get back to it.

OPERATION GIRLIFY: I’m slipping on this one. Between the haze of muscle relaxers and the uneasy feeling of being personally and professionally adrift, I’ve been doing nothing for my attempts to girlify. I have really high quality hair dye that my sister sent and I really need to use it, but I just… haven’t. I didn’t wash my face last night either even though I can tell the Yes to Carrots stuff is working. Since some people have asked about my routine, here’s what I’m doing. My mom & sister sent me the blueberry and tomato lines. The tomato is for acne and the blueberry is for aging skin. I know I’m not “aging” but I figure it’s better to be proactive. So… at night I wash my face with the face scrub and then use the moisturizer. Since I’m focusing on clearing up my skin right now, I use the tomato for two nights then the blueberry for one. In the morning, I wipe my face with one of the blueberry face wipes, then use the tomato acne spot treatment anywhere I have an obvious breakout. After less than a week I can see a difference. I took pictures of my skin before I started, so I have plans to post before/during pics sometime soon.

SECRETS: So… I have two embarrassing secrets to share. And no, this has nothing to do with my abiding love for Darren Criss. That might be embarrassing, but it’s not a secret. So here they are. #1 – I have downloaded two Kreayshawn songs. I am aware that certain music-minded friends may never speak to me again, but I can’t help it… I like Gucci, Gucci. Yes, I am warped. #2 – Speaking of music, sometimes I still have fantasies about making it big in music. You know, now that I’m old, totally out of practice, and no longer marketable. But that’s why guitar and piano are back on my someday wishlist. Because I miss writing songs.

Another update…

July 17, 2011
Posted by YSP

source: universetoday.com

Man, I am really sucking at this blog thing right now, huh? I’m really wishing I had a phone I could blog from, since I’ve got so much downtime with phone access most days.

So here’s what I’m up to right now.

HEALTH: I’ve gotten better control over my eating, and thanks to a relaxed summer schedule this time around, I’m finding time for the gym as well. Last week I lost five pounds and went to the gym three days. I would have gone all five except I had some weird soreness midweek and took two days off. My weekend eating is still a little rough, but as long as I’m headed in the right direction, I’m going to call it a victory.

SCHOOL: Speaking of an easier schedule… my general lack of mastery when it comes to last semester’s chemistry class meant dropping my plans to take chem 2 and instead signing up for a basic physics course. It’s a little too easy right now, but it’s good for a lot of reasons. First, it’s nice to have a break and something that makes me feel smart again. Second, it’s a GPA booster since I’ll get an A for sure. Third, it’s good practice for the Physics course I’ll be taking in the fall. I’m also seriously considering transferring to another school in the Spring. I hate the idea of saying goodbye to the connections and friends I’ve made at Georgetown, but the commute is awful and the price is ridiculous. There is a much less prestigious school (although one that is still on the US News top 100 list) that is 45 minutes from my house and about 1/10th the cost of Georgetown. So… I’m looking into what it would take to transfer there.

FAMILY: Aaron is working weekends right now because they’ve got a major project going and desperately need him to work. He’s making overtime pay, which will be wonderful when his paychecks show up, but in the meantime I feel bad that he’s having to work so much. It’s wearing him out, and I hate that we don’t see him as much. Yesterday he was at work until 3:30 and will probably do the same thing today, and next week as well. I keep telling myself I just have to work as hard as I can toward the day when I will make enough to support us all on my own (assuming we live just as we do now) and he’ll be able to relax a bit.

EVI: She could not be more awesome. She uses the stool to climb up onto the potty on her own now, and she sits on the potty three or four times a day. She’s getting really good about telling us when she is going to the bathroom, which is a step closer to telling us before she goes. She peed on the potty once last week and has pooped twice. She gets SO excited when she uses the potty too. It’s super cute. She also brought an amazing elephant drawing home from school. The eyes are easy to see, the scribble on top “says elephant, in letters” (duh, Mom), and the scribble underneath is his trunk (on the right) and “more letters” (on the left.) Our budding genius. She’s fun, social, talkative, nearly always in a good mood. She still goes to bed and down for naps willingly most days, and she’s getting better and better at dressing herself. Her hair is getting longer, and she’s got pretty little curls in the back. I am so proud of her, so lucky to have her.

So, if anyone’s even still reading now that I post so little… how are YOU? Tell me what’s going on in your lives, especially if you don’t have a blog for me to stalk.

Nothing short

June 30, 2011
Posted by YSP

I’ve never worked so hard in my life. I am spending every second reading, studying, and working.

And mostly? I’m getting it all wrong. I got a 59% on my last exam. For the first time in my existence, the work I’m doing isn’t showing returns. I’m at epic stress levels, as tired as is functionally possible, and emotionally worn out. So I thought about quitting. I thought long, I thought hard.

I’m not quitting.

A lot of time and thought and tears went into the decision, and it won’t be the last time I think about quitting… but in the process I realized that no, this really IS what I want. If it wasn’t, I would have quit when it got tough last semester, or at least bailed at the withdraw point this semester. I made up my mind to keep going, although I was worried I made the wrong decision, until…

On my way out of class today, the teacher told me that she was really impressed with how hard I was working. She said she was amazed, that I had done a tremendous amount of work, and that I had made an amazing amount of progress. I said it was all about dedication, and she was quick to correct me! She said no, it was more than dedication. Plenty of students are dedicated and just can’t do it. She said that what she’d seen me do in the last four weeks was nothing short of (and I quote) “brilliance.”

Che cosa?

Honestly, I’ve been wondering if I was smart enough to do this, and here is an inspiring, dedicated, likely tenured professor telling me I’m crazy smart?

I’m still not sure I believe her, but I’m at least willing to admit that no matter what grade I finish with in this class, I’m darn proud of how hard I’ve worked and how much I’ve accomplished this semester. Once it’s done and I know my final grade, I may have to reevaluate my class schedule moving forward, but I’m not quitting.

Now excuse me, I have a final in one week…

Yummy Sushi Pajamas

It makes sense if you live in here…

Category Archives: Busy Bee