Yesterday I ate six macarons. I bought them at the mall, where I went to get some walking in without getting sweaty in my work clothes. I saw the macaron store and knew that if I walked in, I’d buy something. I walked in, and knew that if I bought something, I’d eat it. I bought twelve, and knew that if I put them in my desk drawer they’d never make it home. I ate six, giving myself a stomachache and a case of the angries, before I chucked the other half. They weren’t even that good.

Then I sat there confused, trying to figure out what went wrong. I did my strength workout the day before and was proud of myself. I did yoga the night before and it was super challenging but still felt amazing. I’d only just finished a 35min mall walk and was feeling pretty good about finally getting a conditioning workout in on a non-strength day.

I’m super exhausted this week. Thanks to car issues, we’re staying at my mom’s house again, which means sharing a bed with my floppy-sleeping, cuddle monster kid. I love the cuddles, but I’m pretty positive it’s impacting my sleep big time.

Is that an excuse? Maybe. Probably. Is an excuse inherently a bad thing? I feel like the way we use it, it always means it’s something you say to lie, to cover up the fact that really you COULD have done that thing you were supposed to do but didn’t.

And holy frack. There it is. (See, writing brings answers sometimes.) I know why I ate those damned mediocre macarons.

I felt bad about myself. A comment left on my blog after I asked to be called out made me feel bad. I felt like I was being judged, like I might be lying to myself, like maybe I’m not doing very well after all. So what was the super offensive, hurtful comment? (It was neither of those things.)

Great post and I’m going to give you some #tribelove right now that my coach always calls me on. Making excuses. That whole paragraph about exercise is full of excuses about why it doesn’t get done but at the same time you have some good ideas in there about how to make them work. You like to work out in the morning but need time to wake up? Get up a few minutes earlier. Seriously, if I had a dime for the number of times my coach told me “work it out” when I gave an excuse as to why I couldn’t get a workout in, I’d have enough money to go to Denver.

As for yummy, healthy foods? Pinterest is your friend. Also, buy a spiralizer from Amazon for about 30 bucks and start making zucchini noodles instead of pasta. Life changing.

I know. Bari’s so mean, right? Except that she’s NOT. She’s doing exactly what I asked her to do. Here was my response yesterday morning:

This is something I really struggle with. During the work week, for instance: sometimes I can get my workout in at lunch, but if I have a project due I can’t skip out when work is needed. After work, I have to leave right away to pick up my daughter, make dinner, walk the dog, do the dishes, do the laundry… it’s all on me because my husband travels. My workouts take an hour or more, so to do them in the mornings and have time to shower and get to work means getting up at 5am. As it is, I’m barely sleeping enough. I know it sounds like excuses, and maybe it is…but I genuinely don’t know how to work it in.

Look at that. A whole paragraph of excuses, right? But…I mean, is it? I’ve talked before about how ridiculous my days are. Most days I don’t get a lunch break. It’s just me to get myself and the kid ready and off to our places every morning. The dog routinely wakes me up in the middle of the night for a walk because she’s getting old and her bladder sucks. I’ve been sleeping with the kid for a week and she throws arms/legs over me every hour or so and it wakes me up. I wake up feeling 100% exhausted already. When I leave work, I’ve already had to depend on my mom or dad to pick the kid up from school because I can’t get there in time. I get home, make dinner, eat dinner, walk the dog, handle bath time, do story time, chat about the day, and it’s all I can do to stay awake once she’s headed off to sleep. I feel stretched to my limits and I don’t know how to make it different. Yes, I could wake up earlier, but I’m ten seconds from falling asleep as it is.

And yes, I could take a different approach and say this “isn’t a priority” right now versus I don’t have time, but I feel defensive about it because the priorities I’m putting ahead of it are my kid, food, sleep, my dog, and my job. I do a lot better on the weekends, when my husband is home and I have backup and sleep time and no work to worry about. I get my workouts in without feeling crazed, and the kid gets one-on-one time with her dad, which they both need.

I just…I don’t know where the line is. What’s an “excuse” versus an explanation? In what cases am I making the right choice? Do I sacrifice sleep or time with my kid to exercise? Do I risk work falling behind at the new job that I love so that I can get to the gym? Is it true that those things would happen if I made time for the gym more often? Would I be even more exhausted? Would I be missing important kid time? Would work potentially suffer?

Right now the answers feel unclear. Would I be more tired? Maybe, or maybe I’d be less tired because working out would give me energy. Would I miss kid time? Well, yes. I mean there’s no way around that. If I work out during my time with her, then I’m not with her. I could work out after she goes to bed instead, but that makes it really tough for me to fall asleep. Would work suffer if I go to the gym at lunch? I think this is a super unpredictable answer. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. There are days when I could get my work done even with a gym break but if everyone else in my department is busting it to get work done, I want to be here helping instead of ducking out.

Dangit. I just don’t know. I’m feeling frustrated and a little angry. Of the utmost importance though, I want to thank Bari for her comment. It got me thinking about some big, important parts of this whole journey. If I can think them through, I’ll be able to come to conclusions I’m comfortable with and make decisions from an informed place.