I’ve been feeling detached lately, like I’m one step removed from everything and everyone in my life. It’s not depression in a sad and mad sense like it usually is for me. Instead it’s this foggy sort of feeling like there’s a layer of plexiglass between me and the rest of the world. Yesterday I wondered if t wasn’t a coping mechanism, a semi-conscious choice that kept me out of he extremes by keeping me constantly at a remove.
Weekends in particular are hard now that Aaron travels a lot. I swing from a Friday euphoria at knowing we’re about to see him and hug him and laugh with him again to a Sunday doldrums in anticipation of another week apart. I wondered (and still do) if detaching was a way to avoid the doldrums even if it meant sacrificing the euphoria.
I’m still having food issues. I’m eating too much. I’m not eating enough. I’m sugar bingeing. I’m sugar detoxing but drinking too much coffee. I’m not eating dinner but then I’m so starving that breakfast is a donut. I’m eating dinner and my stomach is killing me. My colitis issues are ramping up, mostly thanks to a combo of sugar and stress. I do a great job of really eating for fuel and energy and body love…for a few days…and then I eat a donut or something fried, my colon complains, and I’m negligent for a few days. Rinse and repeat.
It’s frustrating. I also fell off on my Gorilla Workouts plan. Frankly, the workouts are sort of boring, so I have a hard time wanting to do them even when I know they’ll be beneficial.
So now…I’ve come up with this sort of ambitious (maybe really ambitious?) workout plan that spans the rest of the year and has me trying out a bunch of workouts of varying complexity and difficulty. Most of them are workouts I’ve had earmarked forever and just never gotten around to. I tried to organize them to get harder as the year went on, so I’m building on what I’ve already done… I’m still trying to decide if it makes sense to take on something like this, since I have a tendency to make big plans like this, not meet my own expectations, fall into a wailing pit of despair at the sight of my own ineptitude when it comes to sticking to the schedule, and then eat myself into oblivion while simultaneously moving as little as is possible. And don’t I wish any part of that was an exaggeration?
I’m hesitant about the workouts. I don’t wanna. I’ve settled into a comfortable sort of vague, almost-lazy that works for me in these cold and grey days. I don’t know if now’s the time to honor that, or if now’s the time to nip it in the bud. The creeping detachment I’ve been feeling has me thinking it’s time to try something new, make a change and maybe a big one. I don’t want to be a passive spectator in my own life. So today I’m trying to get into the right mental place to get started with this mega workout plan I’ve put together. The first workouts I have planned happen to involve a whole lot of positive thinking, mantras, inspiration, and self acceptance. They also involve a lot of sweat, and an expectation that I’ll do them five days a week for three weeks. I did pad in a buffer week to make up missed workouts, and have weekends open to do the same. Still, it feels…big. I’m scared that I can’t do it, that I won’t do it, that my reasons for not doing it are all wrong. I’m scared to share it, for fear of judgement or disappointing people or giving up or whatever else might happen.
Honestly, I’m in a weird limbo state right now, back and forth between “shut up and do it, lazy” and “you’ll never stick to it” and there lies my problem. Neither of those viewpoints are coming from a place of love. They’re all about judgement and negativity and just…bad juju. So I’m working on getting to a place where I can simply say that yes, I’ll give it a go. I’ll see how it feels to follow this plan, and I’ll make new choices about it once I’m trying it out. Maybe the plan is so wonderful that I’ll be excited to stick with it. Maybe it is a little too zealous and I’ll need more time to rest than I’ve given. And that’s alright. I’m just hoping the movement and happy thoughts process will shift me away from disastrous eating…
We’ll see. I’m still stewing…