Owning My Light

This is a year of breakthroughs. It’s the second day and I’ve had a huge one already.

I intended this post to be about my bullet journal, my New Years goals, and answering some questions I’ve gotten a lot lately about no longer dieting/tracking. I spent a few minutes meditating today, and that changed everything. Somewhat randomly (or perhaps not randomly at all?) I ended up looking for a guided meditation from Heather Waxman, who I adore. I dug around a bit, and landed on the On Your Own Light meditation.

Five minutes. Perfect.

Little did I realize I’d end up crying on the floor. Why? I’m still sorting that out, I guess. In fact, I think that’s what I’m doing right now as I type…trying to sort out the why. Maybe I’ll get to the other things I meant to write about today… and maybe not.

I won’t go into the whole meditation, as I STRONGLY encourage you to check it out for yourself. Instead, I’ll simply get to what made me cry. Heather asks you to imagine yourself surrounded by an eggshell. I pictured myself cozy in the darkness. Heather’s gentle voice then prompted me to imagine the shell cracking around me as light poured in. It symbolized the beginning of accepting my light, and I was goddamned terrified. Scared witless. Oh god, I thought. Here it comes. Me. The light in me, and I have to see it. I have to feel it. I have to accept it, accept me.

I fought it. Hard. I dodged and shifted and twitched. In my head, I made it sunlight instead, and that held the tears at bay. And then…

And then she said to peel the shell away. To sit bathed in that gorgeous light, so bright, streaming from ME and out into the world. To share that light. And then, like the slow then sudden breaking of a dam, I was there. Sitting in my own light, breathing it out into the world, and crying so hard I didn’t know if I’d stop.

Well, then.

Just for a moment, I did it. I accepted me, with all of my flaws and quirks and potential for greatness. I let that light shine out of every nook and cranny. It didn’t hurt. I didn’t break or shatter. In fact, it felt kind of… well, good. And as quickly as it came, the crying subsided to a laugh. And I sat there laughing like a loon at my own incredible, shocking light.

Dude. I sort of rock. And guess what else? SO DO YOU. Really. I promise. You’re made of light and stardust and incredible possibilities. This is the year, this is the time to embrace it. Just do. It won’t be perfect. In fact, it will be as messy as my eye makeup ended up. It will also be awesome. And hard. And wonderful.

Own it.

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