Yesterday I was talking to my coworker about how I’ve been struggling lately. I was trying to point out the when and why of it all, trying to figure out what triggered this slide away from my longest ever successful healthy streak. She is struggling too, so together we came to the conclusion that if we can manage to pull out of this intentional nosedive like RIGHT NOW, we can still call this a successful journey instead of looking at it as yet another failure and restart. After all, life happens. Illness happens. Kids stop sleeping sometimes, work stresses you out, and you eat your face off for a few days and gain five pounds. It happens, and it’s alright.
I figured out something else though, thanks to her. “It was after you came back from that conference,” she said. And then, there, finally, it hit me. Total mental lightning strike.
FitBloggin scared the sh*t out of me. Instead of letting the inspiration and acceptance and love of the conference follow me out of my hotel room and home to my normal life, I let it turn ugly. I let it become a nearly overwhelming sense of inadequacy. I let my head spin it into all of the reasons why I wasn’t as good or strong or successful as all of those amazing people.
I know it’s ridiculous. I didn’t feel that way there.
Oh God. Oh God, I did. I did feel that way there. I didn’t want to feel that way, but the truth is that I did. I listened to every beautiful, inspiring, sad, awesome story… and instead of turning into an inspiration, a reason why I, too, could be successful, I let it fuel my inner critic. I let it magnify. I let it intensify. I let it become a terrible inner voice, an awful and continuous loop, a constant reminder of how many people had done something bigger, better, more.
Softly, quietly, I began to beat myself up inside.
You didn’t lose anywhere near as much, and you don’t even have as many kids.
You ate more than she did. You drank more than he did. I bet they saw you eat that cupcake.
You didn’t go to all the workout sessions. Other people did. Bigger people did. Older people did. But you? You didn’t. You’re lazy.
You could have worked harder. You should have tried harder.
You’re pitiful. You’re a terrible role model.
wrong… bad… lazy… stupid… embarrassing… ridiculous… pitiful…
not strong enough… not dedicated enough… not wanting it enough… not trying enough…
not enough
not. enough.
notenoughnotenoughnotenough
And around and around it went.
Writing it all out like that hurts. It hurts to admit to how I treat myself sometimes. It hurts to see how I internalize every perceived failing. I thought I was pretty far removed from all of that. I thought I’d fixed things inside, that I wouldn’t turn on myself so easily anymore. It took me a month to see it for what it was, to finally put together the pieces of the slowly building wave, find its source, and swim out from under it.
And here I am. Staying ahead of the wave… for now… barely.
I am also someone who beats myself up and is mean to myself. I try to remember that I would not treat someone I love the way I treat myself (like with all that negative self-talk you listed up there), and I should not treat myself that way either. But it’s so hard. Hope you feel better soon, I find you very inspiring!
Thank you so much! I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad to find I’m not alone in this.
I know exactly how you feel, and I am so sorry that you do, because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I hear the exact same negative self talk on a daily basis. It’s awful and terrible that we treat ourselves so badly, worse than we would ever treat anyone else, even our worst enemy. I wish you lived closer, I would love to get together over coffee and talk about all of this….go for a walk…..just be another voice to you that would let you know that you deserve all of those good choices that you were making before. That you know how to make. That you can make again. But since I can’t, I’ll just type out some words of comfort here, to let you know that you are never alone, and that you have people out there in the world who care.
I know, I wish we were closer too! Nothing like a big emotional conversation on a beautiful fall walk! We’ll have to rely on typing for now. I hope you know how much your support means, typed or otherwise! Thank you, Crossfit Buddy!
I don’t think you realize how common this really is and I really think what you are doing right here in this post is the first step at correcting it. Comparison is a killer and it sucks. I do it with how much weight I lost, how many readers I have, how much I workout, how I well I eat, etc, etc, etc. Our only option is to forge ahead despite the inner negative voice, and I truly believe the more we move forward, the more we ignore it, the more we take ourselves out our comfort zones, the more we prove it wrong (cause it IS wrong) the quieter it gets.
{{Hugs}}
I wish it weren’t common, you know? Although it’s nice to know I’m not alone, I guess. I WILL get through it, and largely thanks to the support I get from my FitBloggin friends. In the long run it WILL be beneficial and inspiring. I just have to get through my interior noise, you know? Thanks for the support.
Yep…it’s common and the only antidote is to catch yourself. There is no “never again.” And when I say that I don’t mean it in a hopeless sort of way. There’s power in accepting that there will be days (weeks, months) when we spiral down the comparison staircase. And then we say, “ah HA! There I go again!” And we pat ourselves on the back and say, “Whew…glad I caught myself.” (Instead of beating ourselves up even more). Compassionate objectivity.
And just so you know…I felt a lot of those same things at Fitbloggin…and more! I didn’t Tweet enough. I didn’t engage enough. I wasn’t nice enough. I didn’t talk to others enough. I wasn’t as {fill in the blank} as so-and-so. I was too introverted. And so on.
Deeeeeep breaths. Unlock your posture. Soften your eyes. More deep breaths. Repeat after me: I am okay just the way I am. I am enough.
I do feel like I’ve caught it sooner now than I once might have, so maybe I am making progress.
And you’re right, as you so often are.
I am okay just the way I am. I am enough.
I am okay just the way I am. I am enough.
I am okay just the way I am. I am enough.
Love you.
I heart you so much. And in so many ways felt so many of the same things before FitBloggin, during FitBloggin, after FitBloggin. And I’ve been writing about it, to keep myself from falling into a spiral of awful. And it’s been working. I’m trying really hard to be kind to myself, and remind myself that it’s a good thing to be confident. Confidence is beautiful (even if I’m faking it to make it for now). You’re a rock star Heather. We can do this, and writing about it means we’re being honest with ourselves and that’s a huge step in the direction of ongoing rockstardom. xo
Thank you for this. Thanks to an Erin Stutland video I watched this morning (http://erinstutland.com/affirmations-do-they-actually-do-anything-for-you/) I’ve decided I’m going to get up every morning, do the Gorilla Workouts like I have been the last few days, then spend 10 minutes working on affirmations. I just haven’t decided what they should be yet.
Lots of love, Heather. You are amazing x