Dear Cleanse:

It’s not you, it’s me. No, wait… scratch that.

It’s totally you.

I’m calling it quits for good this time. I actually felt pretty good over the last few days… but here are the reasons I’m leaving you.

Physical: On the way home tonight, I ended up doubled over with the worst stomach cramps I’ve had to date. Those were followed up by painful, consistent gas that I still can’t get rid of. The whole point of the cleanse was to make my stomach better, and this was decidedly worse.

Oddly enough though, the physical reasons aren’t even the biggest ones.

Mental: After many years of trying, I’d finally managed to get myself into a pretty good spot. Rough spots notwithstanding, I’ve mostly made my peace with food. I can eat and enjoy it, then move on from it. You, however? You’ve got me back to 24/7, all-consuming, non-stop, obsessive thoughts of food. What can I have? What can’t I have? When will that change? Eat? Don’t eat? Carbs. Sweets. Veggies. Salt. Vitamins. Endless thoughts of food.

Even more importantly, though? It made me feel like I was punishing myself. After years of trying, after finally getting the barest toe-hold on eating in a way that is kind to me and my body, I felt like I was punishing it again. I did NOT miss that feeling, and it was robbing me of the joy or food, exercise, and my body.

So, Cleanse… we’re through. I won’t miss you.