I finished week 1 of the C25K this week! Honestly, it’s going SO well. I really wasn’t feeling motivated to get the run done today, but I finished it anyway and I felt really good knowing I was done with the first week already. So far the runs feel… a little easy? I’m intentionally not pushing any harder right now though, because I know it’s going to get harder quickly. In fact, in the shower this morning I had a mini panic attack thinking about having to run for FIVE minutes, which then led to horror that I might have to run for TWENTY. If I’m honest, right now I don’t really believe I can do it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep trying!

FOOD

I’ve cut my calories way back for 5-6 days a week, and then I’ve been eating more of what I want on that final 1-2 days, and it’s working so well. I’ve learned that my hunger signals are all askew and that I don’t really know what hungry means for me. I’m finally learning it though. I’ve also learned that eating some things only once a week or so makes them SO MUCH MORE SATISFYING that it’s worth the wait. It’s so much better than eating them all the time, losing the joy of having them, and feeling run down every day from all the food.

BODY IMAGE ISSUES

Today something happened that made me realize I’m not as far removed from my body image issues as I once thought.

At the gym, I had a guy make a comment that was meant to be a compliment. He’s seen me there before, and he complimented my form once. He’s a trainer there, and today he told me that he’d seen me there a lot and thought it was awesome that I was so committed to coming. I was pleased and flattered, said thank you, and felt smiley for the last few minutes of my workout. And then I got into the car, and I thought more about it. I decided that no one would compliment a fit person for coming to the gym all the time, that it was only the chubsters like myself who someone would feel needed the motivation, and that as such his intended compliment was really a back-handed one that simultaneously suggested I’m still just the fat kid.

Whoa. Right? My head, it’s a weird place to be sometimes. I’m just sitting with this right now, trying to figure out what it means and whether it even deserves further attention.

MY KID ROCKS

Yesterday Evi decided she needed to show me how strong she was, so every few minutes she’d show off her strong man pose. She wanted to show me her awesome muscles, and then talk about how lifting heavy things (but not too heavy!) made them stronger. She then proceeded to haul around anything she could lift for a while, and then we did some pushups together.

Last night in the bathtub, she was exploring her bellybutton. I explained to her that everyone’s is a little different, at which point she wanted to see mine. Her’s is a sort of half-innie half-outie thing, while mine is WAY an innie. I showed her mine, she stuck her finger in it and laughed. Then she observed that my belly was MUCH bigger than hers, followed immediately by “because you’re much bigger than me since you’re a grownup, and when I’m a grownup I want to be big and strong just like you.” No judgement. No concern. Then, lest we get too serious, she stuck out her belly, used it as a drum, and did the butt-wiggle dance she’s fond of these days.

This morning, we were sitting around in the morning and she decided we all needed to go on a family walk. SHE walked the dog (who we brought because Evi said the dog needed exercise too), pointing out along the way that walking AND walking the dog was making her body stronger. We walked for two miles, and she would happily have kept going, but the poor old lady that is our dog needed a break. I guarantee we’ll walk again around sunset.

All of this just makes me so… PROUD. I’m raising a little girl who loves to move, who thinks about the importance of strong bodies, and who uses her poofed out belly as a drum. I’m raising a little girl who tells me she’s proud of me when I go to the gym, who honestly believes fruit trumps cookies, and who gives championship hugs. She doesn’t care what my body looks like, only that I treat it well enough to have the energy to play with her.

Huh… well that unexpectedly put a new spin on that whole body image gym issue. See, sitting with it works. I think I’ll sit with it some more.

In the meantime, wander over to my last C25K post if you want a chance to get one of my favorite protein bars mailed to you!