As I sit here in my post lunch food coma, belly full of my recent lunch, I reflect on my morning trip to Starbucks. I went in for coffee (we’re out) and left with a large iced (skinny) caramel macchiato, a slice of lemon pound cake, and an everything cheese bagel with butter.
And I ask myself… what the f***, self? Why, exactly, are you filling yourself chock full of nutritionally void, heavy foods that make you feel slothful?
And so, as I am learning to do, I tried to sit with it for a bit to suss out the feelings behind the now abnormal actions. Right or wrong, I decided to give myself permission to eat those foods, heavy and slow as they made me, in the attempt to placate the feelings and, perhaps, identify their source.
Finally, and honestly after two champagne cocktails at lunch, I pegged the source.
See… there’s a thing. It’s something I can’t talk about in detail right now, but there’s a thing that I want very much. (It’s not another kid.) But…. I don’t honestly believe I deserve it. I can’t come up with a legitimate reason why I don’t. There are no facts to support my feelings. But still, I don’t believe I deserve to have this thing, this thing that I want SO much.
And so yes, I ate too much today. I mistreated by body a bit. It isn’t ideal, but I’m only just getting to the point where I can recognize these feelings for what they are, hunt them down and identify them as the culprits.
I’ve got a ways to go in figuring out how to solve the self-esteem problems I suppose, but it’s oddly comforting and goes a way toward more confidence when I realize I’m closer to knowing myself better, to being able to act on my feelings. I don’t know how to come to terms with not feeling like “enough” to deserve this opportunity I’ve come across…
I’m open to your thoughts and suggestions, but please be gentle. I feel fragile right now.