source: tumblr.com
I still honestly believe that leaving the post-bacc program saved my sanity and my family. I was killing myself. But honestly? I still can’t think too much about it because walking away from it left me questioning some of how I see myself.
Be prepared, I’m about to indulge in some serious self-pity.
I’m smart. I got excellent grades my whole life, and did it without working very hard. It’s just the way my brain works. I got used to, and very much liked, being good at academics.
So when I consistently got mediocre grades in that program? I hated every second of it. I KILLED myself studying, slept WAY too little, drank WAY too much coffee in a desperate attempt to pull off the grades I was used to, the grades I still believe I would have needed to get into med school.
And? I just couldn’t. Yes, there were some extenuating circumstances like raising a toddler and, more importantly in terms of disruption, my five hour daily commute. I firmly believe that if I’d lived much closer to or on campus, like I believe the other students did, I would have had an easier time. It still would have been tremendously hard for me, but I think I could have pulled it off. And sometimes that really gets to me, that I’ve walked away from a potentially great path because of circumstances beyond my control. That being said, in the end I really don’t think it was the right path for me.
A good hard look at my priorities actually had me wondering why I’d ever chosen the program in the first place. At what point did I decide that making a lot of money would be worth spending years away from Evi, as she blossomed and grew? I think it might have been doomed from the start. I would have missed her too much.
Sometimes though, I wonder if I really could have done it. Sometimes I fear I was just not smart enough. I was literally giving it everything I had (and then some) and just wasn’t keeping up. For someone who has always defined myself in terms of my academic achievement, who has drawn much of my sense of worth from my perceived intelligence, how do I come to terms with academic failure?
I don’t know. I’m not even sure why I’m writing about this now, except that I’m hormonal and the (largely) useless job hunt I’ve been plowing through since September is starting to wear on my sense of worth.
I chose computer science because I thought it was a quick way to make a decent living and programming was kind of interesting. There were a few classes I enjoyed and did okay in but for the most part my grades were terrible despite significant effort on my part. I recently had to consolidate all of my transcripts. I manually added every course and grade into an Excel spreadsheet. I subsequently applied a filter so I could look at my grades by subject area.
It’s funny. I had no idea until I saw it in Excel how bad my grades were in computer science. I had a D in data structures and a D in assembly language. I had half a dozen C’s in everything from C++ to Operating Systems. I brute forced my way through that computer science degree and then somehow got a pretty good paying job in the field. After those miserable years in my computer science major, I then spent even more miserable years working as a software engineer. I worked my butt off just to be barely good enough to keep my job. There were evenings, I’d sit at home crying over my laptop trying to solve a problem I hadn’t been able to figure out during the workday.
Back to the present, I changed the filter in my little Excel worksheet and picked Biology. The column was full of A’s. One after another neatly lined up as happy reminders of how much I enjoyed my time in each course. If only I could have used an Excel filter on my life as I was living it, I might not have wasted so much time being utterly miserable in the wrong field. I could also use the same analogy to describe how long I was with my ex.
Life in real time is way more complicated than a spreadsheet though. It’s so much harder to gain a clear contemporaneous perspective. Sitting here and thinking about it, I think that if you were sufficiently motivated you could go back and brute force your way through those classes and get your butt into med school. I also think you would be incredibly stressed out, exhausted, and unhappy. When you get rid of all the noise, using your own filters, what do you see?
I love this because I know how well you understand the choices that went into my starting the process in the first place, and everything that went into my choice to leave too. You’re right. My grades were excellent before the premed work because I loved everything about the classes I was taking. I was genuinely happy, adored school, loved my life in academics. I never felt the same passion for the math and sciences. I do think I could have forced my way through it, but what in the end let me choose to leave the program was the realization that you’re right. I would have done it, but been worn out and miserable throughout.
Thanks for giving me a new filter.
I miss you and your short guy. Can’t wait to see you in May.
Hi there! I don’t think your experience shows you aren’t smart or you can’t hack it. I think it just shows that you knew where you’d rather be. I think it’s great that you can reexamine things and not just continue on a path that you no longer think is the right one. That takes guts. And remember being a mom is the greatest job, if you can spend more time with your cute little one it is worth it!
Now THAT is SO true. Anything that gives me more time to be a part of Evi’s life is worth it. I just have to find a balance.