- I’m really allergic to dust.
- I’m not. Daddy’s not either. Maybe it’s just people who have round bodies?
- Do I have a round body.
- Yes. Sometimes, when people are trying to be mean, they might say fat instead of round.
- Oh. Yeah, some people’s feelings are hurt by the word fat. Do you and Daddy have round bodies.
- No. We have skinny bodies.
- Is that better? Are some bodies better than other bodies?
- (Insert “mom, you’re so insane” look) No.
I had this conversation with Evi last week and it really threw me. I then wrote out this super awesome blog post in response to it but ran out of time to finish it…and then WordPress ate it. Now I have all sorts of other things on my mind and I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going for some quick, disjointed paragraphs to get a brain dump going.
Food is still a major issue. In fact, I’ve slipped back into many of my really unhealthy habits when it comes to eating. I’m trying to work out how to handle that. I started out trying to make a list of all the things I’ve done wrong, or haven’t done, or should have done, which just led to panicky feelings and a lot of beating myself up.
And then, in the midst of feeling pretty awful about myself, Christine surprised me with the amazing love bomb that was #birthdayyoga. A bunch of my awesome FitBloggin friends got together and took yoga pics to say Happy Birthday to me. It was amazing. Every picture made me smile, made me laugh, made me remember something pivotal. I have always believed that the people who care about you reflect YOU. If these kickass people love me enough to take time out of their day to photo bomb me with yoga? Clearly all the negative self-talk is ignoring some pretty awesome stuff. These people are some of the best, strong and determined and full of passion and support. They’ve helped me through big things and small, and love me no matter what size pants I’m wearing. If that’s true, then I must be pretty awesome.
I also did some meditating on the food issues and finally realized that for me, food is about control. I feel out of control when it comes to most of my life. I don’t feel like I have much power when it comes to my job or my life in general. I’m happy, but I’m not feeling like I’m calling the shots. So when things get scary or stressful, food is something I can control. And by overeating, I have a way to then push those negative feelings back in on myself in the form of self criticism, which is another thing I can control. It’s not healthy, it’s not good for me, and I need to make it stop.
I also managed to pull a muscle in my neck last weekend, which means it’s been almost a whole week of me not doing my strength training. It was irritating my neck issues, so I gave it a rest…but then that led to not doing much else either. My walking has slacked. My yoga has even fallen away a little, with me only managing my daily poses and nothing else. Two days this week I didn’t do the daily poses either.
So what are my plans? I start again. Again and again. As long as it takes. Because this isn’t about failure. It isn’t about restarting even. It’s just me constantly returning my thoughts, my body, my heart and soul to what really matters to me, to my real needs. I’m going to try to harness the anger my stress has been producing to help me instead of pushing it away. Maybe by feeling my anger when it comes, it can serve as a kickstart to action. I’m also embracing #wycwyc in every way I can. I’m going to keep doing the Nia Shanks workouts I’ve been doing, and might incorporate some other strength as well. I’m going to keep taking the stairs when I can and doing little things like pacing while I wait for the metro. I’m going to do squats every time I go into the bathroom at work, and countertop pushups when I go to the kitchen.
Now on to some of the stress issues I’m dealing with…
- Evi is really unhappy at school right now. She’s having (very minor) behavioral issues because she’s BORED OUT OF HER MIND. She LOVES her math class and the teacher, but the rest of the school day is a total waste for her. We’re trying to find other schools but have a lot of financial and logistical restraints that are making it super difficult and extremely stressful, especially since she’s feeling stressed which is making the whole thing feel like an emergency.
- I’m also trying to plan Evi’s birthday, which is incredibly expensive and time consuming. It’s also fun, so I’m trying to focus on those parts and not on the stress.
- Work is wearing on me lately. I love my job and my coworkers, but we’re in the midst of a strategic shift which has me feeling less than clear about my goals this year. It will work itself out, but it’s making work tough right now.
So that’s where I’m at. I’m off to San Diego for four days tomorrow for a work conference, and I’m hoping the warmth and sunshine will help me with my stress levels a bit.