My heart, as it turns out, is fine. Every test came back normal, and after the removal of any decongestants and all caffeine, I’m feeling fine and not having any palpitations. I’m a little sad that my caffeine is no longer, but I’ve found some great replacements. My favorite is Teecino. I found their caffeine-free herbal coffee at a local organic store, and I LOVE it. It smells and tastes like coffee, but with no caffeine and none of the acidity that even decaf can have.
More importantly, I’m relieved my heart isn’t freaking out anymore. Such a scary feeling. The longer I sit with it, the more I think it was a result of anxiety. I struggle with varying levels of anxiety, and I think it just caught up to me a little bit. So I’m back to regular yoga and meditation, both of which had fallen away in a haze of “too busy”, and I’m feeling better overall.
So what else is new? I gave myself a birthday present of a month of yoga at a WONDERFUL local studio, which resulted in several exciting things. First, some new thoughts about how I approach not only yoga, but life in general, and second, some real steps in the direction of my yoga teacher training. Which begs the question of how tacky it would be to set up a GoFundMe account…
But really, the lessons are the most important part for me right now, since the training awaits funding, and I’m doing what I can to incorporate the lessons in every aspect of my life.
Lean In: Don’t be in such a rush to move on to the next thing…the next pose, the next project, the next breath. There is time. Savor it. Wallow in it. Allow each moment, each pose, each breath it’s own space to simply be.
Start Small: This isn’t a race, and it’s no one’s practice but my own. I have nothing to prove to anyone, and only my own center to find. Build up from the most basic aspects of a pose, find my edge, and stop there. My edge does not need pushing, but only exploring. My body was not meant for pain, so too my mind.
Meet the Breathe: If I can’t breathe in a pose, I’m too deep. If I can’t breathe in my life, I’m too deep. Back off a little. Find the spaces where there’s air.
Don‘t Do the Pose: Yoga (like life) isn’t about force. It’s not about insisting my body and mind do something they aren’t ready to do. It’s about letting the pose happen to me, about allowing a settling into the pose.
And finally, the one that had me crying in savasana again (honestly, at this point I should expect it)…
It’s Not About More Strength: I’m sorry, what? But isn’t that the point? Turns out, it’s not. It’s not about more strength, it’s about what you can let go of. In a pose, at work, in the world. It’s not about doing more, it’s about not trying to do it all. It’s not about powering through, it’s about letting go of the things that don’t matter.
It’s a constant epiphany, a radical revolution, a sea change. Right now I’m sitting with it, enjoying it, letting myself feel out all of it’s corners and edges and curves.